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Beating the Holiday Blues
by Rob Crankshaw, PhD, ACV Vice President Youth & Family Services
For the elderly, the holidays are often bittersweet. Yes, the holiday season is a joyous time for families - seeing loved ones, feasting together on traditional dishes, enjoying walks in the brisk air, making pumpkin pies and Christmas cookies, shopping and anticipating the surprises that come with gift giving and receiving.
For the elderly, though, this can also be a bittersweet time. Memories of better times past, and loved ones lost, as well as the perception that they are on the periphery of family activities can leave them feeling alone and discouraged. Add to that the fact that families are more scattered today, and older family members often cannot join the family traditions, and the sense of isolation is compounded. What can you do to help?
Families can do several things for their older loved ones during this time. First, communication is essential. Email, instant messaging, cell phones, Skype and Facebook make contact almost effortless. You may need to help them to set up accounts with these services, as well as verifying that they are comfortable with how to go about using them. (Writing out the steps is helpful.) A daily note with an uploaded photo can do wonders for making someone feel included and remembered. Have children make a series of cards with their own drawings and words, and mail one every other day to a grandparent or great-grandparent who cannot join the family. A little time spent in this kind of communication pays wonderful dividends to the older family member on the receiving end and means so much more than a purchased gift.
In communications, acknowledge personal losses rather than avoiding them. For instance, mentioning that “Grandpa would have loved the fall colors this year,” or, “He sure missed some good bream-fishing on the river,” affirms for the mourning elderly that there is a loss and that they are not alone in feeling it. Avoiding the topic may convey pity, and the unspoken message, “I’m not going to mention Grandpa because I don’t want you to get depressed and ruin the holidays for the rest of us.”
Since many older adults feel abandoned and left out, making a special effort to invite them or to visit them is particularly meaningful. During the visits, make time to reminisce. One of the stages we all experience as we get older is reviewing our life, often focusing on the regrets and mistakes. Reminiscing about the good times, the funny times, and the triumphant times puts our past in proper perspective and stimulates a positive look backward on our experiences.
If an older person is still grieving a lost spouse and is especially sad over the holidays, offer to provide some symbol of their presence during get-togethers. Displaying a special wreath on the door, a lit candle on the mantle, or something the deceased had made or valued (a carving, painting or gadget) in a prominent place might be enough for the grieving spouse to feel good that the deceased is not forgotten during a happy family time. This may be particularly effective if the survivor is involved in making the decision about the way he or she wants to represent the deceased.
Remember that for the elderly, the past is often not in the past, but is lived every day as they have more time to reflect and less to keep their minds occupied. Helping them to enjoy the present, reflect positively on the past, and stay connected to others may be the best gift we can give during the holidays.
Disclaimer: This article is provided for informational purposes only and should not be construed as specific medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any changes to your medical care.